If you’ve been here for a bit, you’ve probably noticed the word stability is one I reference often. It’s something clients and I work with regularly in sessions. It’s something I work with daily as a personal resource– one that has been critical for me lately as I’ve been navigating a heavy season of life.
I’ve mentioned it here and there on socials but haven’t explicitly spoken much about the extra heaviness I’ve been carrying– in part because it feels like it’s not fully my story to share, and because I’m still parsing through which bits of the story want to be witnessed publicly, and which want to remain private and sacred. However, I think we learn through experience and storytelling, and for the sake of having the rest of this essay “land,” I think it’s important to share some of the story around how I’ve been navigating stability (and wobbly-ness) over the last few months.
My dad had a house fire back in December, and then received a cancer diagnosis in January. It’s been an increasingly destabilizing time in many ways for him, and for me vicariously, as I step into a support role that I wasn’t anticipating taking on. Layer on top of that the wounds I’m still working to heal as a result of the less-than-secure relationship I’ve always had with my dad, and well, you can imagine it’s been quite heavy. (Need I also mention the collective pressure that’s also pushing in on all of us? Probably not, you know.) All that to say, stability has been a huge theme for me lately, one that I continue to return to for support, to help me return and tend to mySelf in the center of what has felt like a big storm.
Though I’d never in a million years wish for these circumstances, I’m grateful for this season teaching me more about what stability really is, what it isn’t, and how to be even more deliberate about grounding into stability when my body and nervous system feel the bottom is falling out.
But what is stability, exactly?
In most simple terms, having stability is to possess the stamina to resist losing your Self or collapsing under pressure.
If we think about this through the lens of the nervous system and the state of collapse being a level of “freeze,” then having more inner stability means we’re able to endure pressure (i.e. stress/activation/threat), with less spiraling, collapsing, freezing or shutting down automatically and/or as intensely.
When I think of the personal associations I have with the word stability, I also think of:
dependability (I can depend on certain truths and resources in my life; I can depend on me; the important people in my life can depend on me)
responsivity (as opposed to reactivity)
a strong tree, able to stand tall through all sorts of weather
the feeling of being anchored in the body; being rooted with the earth/environment in some simple mundane way. (e.g. feeling the soles of my feet on floor, sensing connection to my spine and support at my back, feeling for my core or “trunk” and the life moving through the center of me)
being a sturdy, emotionally available presence for others and all the young ones inside myself
being able to regularly show up for what and who matters to me, without bypassing my own needs or boundaries
being able to meet myself with care and compassion when I’m caught inside a vortex of threat and chaos (whether it be real, present chaos or old wounds being triggered)
coming back to the role of objective witness (i.e. I can observe my own felt experience without becoming attached to, getting swept away by the story, adopting the role of “fixer,” or judging it)
being in choice about how I cope and deal with my feelings (not feeling victim to old, automatic coping behaviors / trauma responses, but being able to pause and choose what sort of support is going to be both optimal and doable(!) in the moment)
What is stability not?
If you’re anything like me and have protective parts of you that want to make the process of grounding into stability some “purist” pursuit -parts that become attached to only ever wanting to feel calm, cool and collected, and view stress as sign of personal failure- then it’s easy to confuse stability with a lack of stress.
Having more stability does not mean never feeling stressed. It doesn’t mean never experiencing big waves of emotion. It doesn’t mean never having your young parts get triggered. It doesn’t mean never finding yourself in a freeze or shut down state. Apologies for all the double negatives here, but they feel necessary!
In fact, the more I do this work, the more emotion I feel. The more of my young parts are able to come to the surface. The more stress I’m able to hold. The difference being, I know how to meet myself in these places. I now have the capacity to actually work with and care for the parts of me that are (and have been) carrying pain. I know how to ride big waves of emotions without becoming crushed by them. I know how to care for my nervous system through stress so that I’m not getting swept away into old coping patterns, or finding myself in a deep freeze/shut down state, unable to function or be in right-relationship with reality.
Stability is not a fixed point or destination. There is no arrival at “stable,” and thus we need to be really careful about not creating some dichotomy of “stable or unstable,” and punishing ourselves when things start to feel wobbly.
Having and resourcing with stability doesn’t mean you’re some god-like statue that never flinches under the pressure of stress. It means that when the pressure is on, you’re able to pause, observe whatever feelings are happening inside without shaming yourself for having a hard time in the first place. And then you can get really f*cking deliberate about what’s going to help you keep your feet on the ground as big waves of emotion hit.
Stability is less about an arrival at a certain point in your “healing journey" and more about the pendulum of Self not swinging so far from center when life decides to throw curveballs. Stability allows us to face hard, scary, uncertain realities head-on with more integrity, truth, strength, choice, support, self-trust and resilience.
To be a stable, steady, dependable presence for others, there first has to be an ample well of stability to draw from for Self; i.e. my feet are stable and rooted on the ground, and I have people holding and supporting me, so that I can hold onto & keep upright the ones around me who are having a hard time staying rooted on their own. My dad, my kids, my partner, my clients, my friends, my community.
Showing up for my dad through the process of fire recovery and now chemo has made my need for stability as big and loud as ever. My roots need to grow and go deeper, so that I may withstand this wildly windy season. I’m finding myself having to be extra intentional about how I’m taking care and making sure to resource into as much stability as I can find.
Here’s how I’m deliberately anchoring into more stability through this season:
As much as possible creating and sticking to daily routines so there’s a sense of predictability and felt connection to what is known. Bedtime by 9:30/10 at the latest. Reading in the morning, either fiction, poetry or The Spell of The Sensuous (yes, I’m still slowly wading my way through this dense but delicious book). Time at the pottery studio 2x weekly. Making tea or some cozy beverage before every client session. These things are small but they stack.
Leaning into more nutritional/ herbal support, and letting meals be easier, relying on convenient foods more. For supplements I’m taking AG1 daily, and for herbs I’ve been doing more looseleaf teas with hawthorne, brahmi, lion’s mane, reishi, fenugreek, gingko and ginger. I also use a passionflower tincture when stress is high. When I start to feel like I’m under the weather, I sip a little shot of fire cider to support my immune system. Last but not least, I drink magnesium tea and put magnesium cream on my feet at night to support my sleep.
Without fail, showing up to my 1:1 support sessions with my practitioner 2x monthly. We can’t and aren’t meant to face huge storms in isolation. If you didn’t know now you do, that ants come together during a flood to form a ball that floats on top of the surface of the water. I/me/you/we are the ants. Every time we turn towards and hold onto each other through a storm.
Asking for and practicing receiving(!) more childcare support, so that there’s some space for solitude and time to connect with my partner sans the daily chaos.
Being really boundaried (with myself) so as not to overload my work day with more than 3 clients per day. This may not sound like a lot, but through this season it’s plenty. I’m so grateful for the folks I get to continually support, and it’s really important to me to be able to show up for them as a source of stability– overdoing it does neither of us any good.
Connecting to archetypal energies like the fool to show me how to lead with my heart and my vision through times of uncertainty. To invite play and laughter and light-heartedness to accompany my fear and grief.
So much permission and grace around my child parts resurfacing as I spend more time with my dad– Making sure to leave enough space everyday to pause and build relationship with these young ones inside so they may finally receive the care they needed way back when.
Letting my partner hold me more; going after more touch, and feeling held by him.
Engaging in somatic practices that bring a sense of containment to my physical body– hot compresses, hot water bottles, burrito-ing myself in blankets, laying pillows on top of my upper-body. Brief theory behind this– containment and compression mimic the way a mother would support her baby’s nervous system through holding, touch, swaddling, co-sleeping, etc.
Making sure to MOVE– Not the sort of structured movement we might traditionally think of as exercise, but impulse-led, intuitive movement like swaying, shaking, dancing, making circles or spirals with my body, jumping on my mini trampoline, and even just taking slow, quiet walks around my neighborhood.
Setting doable boundaries and feeling for right distance around what isn’t stable. For me that’s continuing to really limit social media, not watching stressful tv before bed, not committing to events, parties etc. that I know will be chaotic and sensorially overwhelming, and taking space from the situation and relationship with my dad as needed.
Last but not least, I’ll leave you with a weird one. Though truthfully, if you’re doing somatic work with a practitioner this really isn’t that weird. However I’m aware that if you’re new to this sort of work, this next bit might sound a little strange. Stay with me. The other day in a session with my practitioner an image came up for me where I was facing this sort of amorphous blob-like spiral that was wanting to suck me in. And as I stood there, being with it, trying to get to know it, this image came up where roots and vines started growing up around my feet from the lush green grass I was standing on. I, my inner adult who was facing this thirsty spiraling blob, just stood there appearing strong and honestly a bit feral looking. Those roots at my feet anchoring me into nature, keeping me upright as I faced this dark, consuming spiral. Then the image of my dad holding my hand appeared; both of us facing this spiral, me holding us steady and rooted. I know I know, reading this probably only lands so deeply for you– but for me, the one having this experience, this is the sort of processing that actually creates a felt shift inside of us. Not the sort of positive thoughts only approach to feeling strong; I’m talking about embodied processing– really seeing, feeling and experiencing ourselves being able to stand tall and face a heavy, chaotic reality with strength and ferocity. This is the sort of internal processing that builds our capacity and bolsters our inner adult Self. I keep returning to this image when I need to remember I am held, supported and can always find my feet on the earth.
May some bit of this bring you more stability.
Thanks for being here.
xo
holl
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